I jinxed myself again. Just when I started thinking that my had significantly improved and that things were finally getting more manageable, she threw an all-out tantrum in what should’ve been a fun party. I was frustrated listening to her cry throughout the whole ride home and in traffic before calming down. All the while, I’m looking at her friend, the birthday girl who was laughing, sharing toys, mingling, and accepting presents like a gracious host. And here was my if I even so much as got up to rush to the washroom.

Why can’t she be more like her friend? I wondered. Why can’t she be more social? Why doesn’t she want to play with the rest of the kids? Why is she so shy? Why doesn’t she want to like her friend?

And I immediately felt guilty for thinking these things. I’d promised myself that I’d be a better parent and not do the comparison game with my kids.

The closeness in their ages didn’t make things any easier. Only one month apart, comparisons were inevitable. One sat first, the other walked first, and another talked first, and I couldn’t help but worry when my child wasn’t the first. My child eventually achieved her milestones, but other babies her age sometimes reached them earlier, which left me concerned. I even looked up what it meant when a baby achieved milestones later than others and if it was okay to keep .

I learned that it was normal and at times necessary, mainly because we depend on ages and stages to know which milestones your child should be reaching. If they’ve gone beyond that window, then it’s worth talking to their pediatrician.

Still, from infancy and onward, I compared my child to everything other than milestones. What were her temperaments and social behaviors compared to her friends? Which interests did she have, and how well did she do when with her friends, at daycare, or at school? I also compared skills other children have mastered that mine still hadn’t (and vice versa). I compared her personality and hobbies and doubted her pace and abilities. However, I realized that I was overdoing it and needed to change. Yes, I still compare my child but not in the way that I did before.

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I stressed over things beyond my control- things I couldn’t do anything about. I also noticed that it would become stressful for my daughter because eventually, I’d start to project my anxieties and put unfair pressure on her by making subtle insinuations like, “How come you’re not on any sports team yet?” And the irony of it all? I realized that I’d end up worrying over nothing. The one time I realized that my daughter might have a sent me into panic mode only for everything to turn out just OK.

Sometimes people would mention how introverted my daughter would be because she wouldn’t talk much, and it worried me because I assumed she’d be an extrovert like her mommy. I ended up not relishing moments with my child and got so hung up on what typical children are doing. And to be honest, I didn’t want to risk not accepting my child for who she was and instead of pushing her to be someone she wasn’t. I wasn’t about to be that parent.

And instead of focusing on my child’s amazing skills, I was looking at the shortcomings. Doubting her abilities and questioning the pace at which she was developing was wrong because, after all, we’re all human, and none of us are perfect, least of all our children.

Yes, I still compare my child to her peers. Only, I do it differently. Rather than compare her only to feel like I’ve failed as a parent or that she’s slow at catching on, I use comparison to introduce new skills and interests.

For example, if a friend mentioned that she showed her child how to slice an orange, I won’t pressure my child to learn the same skill or worry that she’s set back because she’s yet to slice her own food. Instead, I’ll show her how fun slicing fruit can be. Or, instead of sulking at my daughter’s inability to remove her shoes when her cousin is doing it already, I introduce and practice the skill with her slowly without pressuring her to learn the skill in a day. So, I notice what other children are doing and introduce the skills I feel are important and make sure to be patient when she doesn’t get the skill right away or show interest.

To be honest, I can’t avoid comparing my child, no matter how much I try. However, it’s not so much about preventing comparisons altogether, but being mindful if I catch myself in the act.